Saturday, January 21, 2012

DAMN YOU 85!

I have lost a battle.
It hurts.
I've been kidding myself.
It hurts more.

Time to GET REAL!

So, I took the plunge and went to buy new scales. It was hard for me, but I was sick of the vagueness of the scales I had. My  thinking had been with the other scales that if my number was in the 80's that = fat so who really carse if its 86.pointfat or 84.stillfat 

Last round I weighed in at a Herbalife center on fancy scales to start with and then used my own throughout the weeks - I got sick in the last 2-3 weeks and although I finished the program I wasn't really into it properly, but I had gone from 92.6 to 84 ( or so I thought).

Even though I had petered out, a lot in my world had changed, I now exercised, I ate differntly, I had forum support... so I was pretty happy with the mental and physical changes.

The biggest thing I was happy with was that I thought I had won my ongoing battle with the NUMBER 85! Faaaaark I hate that number. It haunts me, it has done for a long time. Even during the 12WBT I dropped the initial kgs fast and then plateaued at 85. One week I went under, only to go back to 85 the next week and this went on for weeks.
Damn you 85 why do you haunt me. Why is it a damn barrier for me?

*LIGHTBULB 85 reversed is 58 - a number I cannot even begin to fathom BUT that would be quite a healthy BMI for someone who is say 162cm tall. Hmmm interesting. I'm 162cm tall! Hmmm creepy :) 

So I went and bought the new scales & got the deal of the century and bought some super duper weight watchers ones that were reduced from $189 to $49 - WIN! .. or so I thought.

I stood on the scales yesterday thinking quite confidently 83.5 ( maybe a little less because I've been so damn awesome all week with MFP and my 6 day a week training regime ) - only to be faced with

85.6

It was like a bitch slap across my face.
It hurt like hell.
I cried.
I must of stood on there 20 times.
I did the side to side waddle and change of foot pressure thing I usually do on my Victor Vague scales, but naddah! 85.6 it stayed.
I stood on Victor and he was much kinder - he was under 84.

So here I am today OWNING 85.6 as my current weight.
Saying to 85 that you may have won this little battle but you wont be winning the war -no way!

I am now armed with:
1.Wally the Wonder Scales ( and the truth )
2. MyFitnessPal
3.Booty
4.Crunch Time cook book
5. My Heart Rate monitor
6. My forum support and life saving secret society
& 3 weeks of Pre-season!!!

What have you got in your arsenal 85? Huh? You have a measly 8 and stupid 5.

Game on mole.

 



Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Season's tasks begin ( and so does my training)

So on Monday I started Pre-Season with a bang!
Let me pat myself on the back for all I have achieved in 4 days...


#1. I started my 4 week block of Booty - Monday at 6.30 am I had my first boxing class, at 6.30pm my Pilates class. Tuesday at 6.30 am I had our normal Booty ( running and general physical torture ). Wednesday I had my first Running Booty at 6.30am - another cruel and unusual punishment of running, doing sprints and drills and Wednesday night at 630pm, Pilates again!


Booty is amazing - I train with 50-60 motivating and motivated people of all shapes and sizes and fitness levels. At the moment I think I'm in the bottom 4 but there are some pretty seasoned athletes amongst the group. We have 4 weeks on and 1 week off and this round I'm doing Boxing 2x per week / Pilates 2x per week / Booty 2x per week and Booty Running 1 x per week. 


Big pat on my back to making it to Thursday - my rest day!


#2. I started using MyFitnessPal ( MFP - because I don't want to type it every time) and it has changed my life.It took me a little bit of time to get used to it and find my way around but without a doubt this is a turning point for me. 


Big pat on my back ( using the other hand ).


#3. I ate clean and I ate well. Mon - Wed I only ate 1250 calories each day
( should be 1700 ). I was full. I really was. 


It's that, 'start of a diet thing'... last week I couldn't imagine surviving on 1700 calories as I stuffed my face but come Monday I was struggling to shove 1200 into me. There is something in that. I'm not a psychologist and sometimes I even struggle to spell that word but I know there is something there I have to work on. 


Small pat on back + shake of finger.




#4. I did the 1st Pre season task and went and introduced myself and also made a few comments on other people's intro's that had big fat  0 comments next to their names.


* LIGHT BULB : I avoided people who were like "Hi my name is Cindii I have 1 kg to loose and I hope I can find the inspiration to get there over the next 12 weeks" - this I know, sounds bitter, this I know is unfair, this I know is a bit mean spirited of me but its how I feel.  I don't want to belittle the weight battle people with only a few kg's to loose but for some reason it kind of shitted me as I trawled through the new faces. I could be jealous? Maybe.


Maybe I'm hungry! Hmm maybe I'm loosing weight from all my diet and exercise and actually becoming a skinny BITCH?


I might have to rethink my blog title. I'm a pretty nice person usually.


Wow my number 4 on the PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK LIST isn't really working out that well - I also have another  * LIGHT BULB re the first Pre-season Task - my intro was short and boring. I didn't really give it my best. Hi I'm V, I'm fat, 2 kids blah blah blah. 


All the studies have shown that dieting with others and exercising with others helps with weight loss so I probably should make more of an effort to meet and engage but I didn't. I wonder why and I wonder if that shows a lack of commitment on my part? I hope not!


So no pat on the back for #4  - a slap across my face might be more appropriate!


So to recap:
I've started Pre-season.
I've exercised every day - and hard.
I've faced MFP and finally learned to use it AND use it AND like it.
I've eaten well and below my daily allowance.
I've done the 1st pre season task.
I've been drinking water.


I've done OK for the first few days.


BUT
I didn't weigh in on Wednesday on my facebook page. (sorry Cath)
Well I did, but after 3 days of working pretty hard and doing all the right things, the scales didn't reward me. The little line flickered between 83.5 my starting weight and 84.5.
I guess I cant expect miracles, so rather than getting too wound up, I'm going to give this week a miss and weight in next Wednesday.


Having said that ( all rational and grown up like... ) inside I'm pretty devo I didn't drop a kg or 2 of water weight or SOMETHING - even if I'd sat squarely at 83.5 and didn't flicker up and down I would have felt some great satisfaction. Ohh well - last round's lessons are kicking in and I'm OK with the scales and I'll keep doing what I'm doing and revisit it again next week.


* Note to self, go BUY ELECTRONIC SCALES and stop being a slave to that vague line that can be moved depending on how much foot pressure I use.  *LIGHT BULB!!!!



Sunday, January 15, 2012

Pre-season... and we are off...

Sorry.  I haven't been blogging, I've been too busy eating.


The past 2 weeks have been about serious self sabotage and I've been fully conscious of it.
You might recall I had a massive battle with the number 85. I won, and got to 83.5 by end of last round, then for the past few weeks I have been playing that up and down game - I made it through Xmas and got back up to 85  then quickly shrunk it back to 83.5 then feeling smug, ate my way back to 84 - then feeling really smug ( and having the excuse of sore knees ) I stopped exercising. Having said that, I also ate a lot less and then something happened - I was 83!! 


This should have been celebrated.
This should have been motivating.


Instead, I took it as a licence to go crazy - so for the past 4 days, knowing Pre Season starts today, knowing my Booty Camp regime starts today, knowing I have no more excuses after today, I ate everything I could and when I was full I ate some more. 


I felt like the very hungry caterpillar - on Monday I ate through a box of chocolates, on Tuesday I ate a loaf of white bread, on Wednesday I ate half a cow....  I even ate chips as I leafed through my brand new Crunch Time cook book that arrived at my doorstep! 


Why did I do this? Why? Why did I set out to do this much damage to myself?
I think finding the answer to that will be a key for me this round of 12WBT.


Yesterday I cleaned out my fridge and cupboards, planned our weekly meals and snacks and went shopping. If you didn't look too hard at me, I'd look pretty much ready to go. Inside however I'm still feeling like a bit of a fraud - I'm not quite ALL IN but I'm going to fake it until I make it and hope that the pre season tasks will help!


Preseason started today, I woke up at 6am - had  glass of hot water and lemon, got dressed and went to my Booty Boxing class ( forgot my heart rate monitor damn it ) I sweated like a... crazy sweating person. 
Came home, got the kids sorted for the day - had a little coffee ( LOVE YOU GEORGE CLOONEY) read Michelle's first email and ate my half cup muesli! I am about to enter it all into MyFitnessPal, have a drink of water and get on with my day feeling like I have left the past few days behind.


[ runs away from computer, stips clothes off to nude and jumps on scales ]


I just went to weigh myself for my official Preseason  - 83.5kg which means 16.5 to goal weight.


I'm shocked its not 85.
I WILL NEVER SEE 85 again. ( sorry for the caps, I had typed 'I hope I never see85kg again' but changed my mind! )


If I can hit 80kg by kick off  in 4 weeks then I will be a happy 'soon to be skinny bitch' - that would mean about 12kg for the round and my goal weight - which is something I cant fathom right now. 


[ running too far ahead of myself ]


Vx

Monday, January 2, 2012

Why am I fat?


I have though about this question long and hard and always come up with.....


* crickets*


I don't know!!!! ( apart from the obvious eating too much, exercising too little )


I don't think I've had a terribly hard life or many trauma's. I don't know. More than the next person?


I really don't  know.


I haven't had that breakthrough moment, maybe that's why I'm still here, stuck.


I want to know why I'm fat.
I want to know what questions to ask myself. 


I've started the last 7 sentences with "I"  [cringe]


Am I lazy for not knowing, am I dim, am I blind? Am I destined to be fat because I don't know.I'm scared if I don't find that  deep seeded/seated (hmm?)  underlying reason I overeat that I will continue to be stuck.


I know with blogging you are probably supposed to ask yourself a question, do some research and come back with an epiphany, I know I'm doing this ass end first but I think I need to look into this a little further. I might ask the Huggies forum if they know why they are fat (well those that actually are anyway ) and see what comes up for them. Maybe something will resonate. 


Sunday, January 1, 2012

January 1

Off to a god start. 
I did a 10km walk with my pram ( yes there was a baby in it too ).
I set out to do the 10k - because inside my mind I am a warrior like that. About 4 k's in I met my hubby and 3 year old at the park - they were drinking milkshakes and making sandcastles and I very much thought that 4km would really be an excellent start to the year. 

Then I remembered my blog. 

Then I remembered my commitment to myself.

Then I  groaned.

I thought, OK I'll just go up to the turn around point which is just 1km away and I'll catch a lift home with them when I get back to the park - that would make it 6km and a most excellent start to the year of the skinny bitch!

So baby, pram, ipod and I hauled ass and made it to the turnaround point and headed back to the park. A funny thing happened when I got to the park... I didn't stop, I just kept going, I felt like Forrest Gump - I even upped my speed a little and let the sweat flow freely. 

I'd made these little deals with myself along the way - "I'll stop when" ... "you've done enough when'' ... "nobody will know if I did 6 or 10" ... " just to the next light pole""

I don't know why I do this. 

I want to say I'm going to smash 10k and then go for it with gusto, but I'm not there yet, I'm still tricking myself into doing things ( lucky I'm an excellent tricker hey!!! ).

As I passed the park at the 6km mark I  thought J F D I but I didn't think 'friggin' that's for sure. I finished my 10k walk in a sweaty ball of mess but I felt good.

Ok I felt good until my knees started hurting and I had to ice them, but that's just details. 

I started January 1 2012 at 84kg and I did a 10k walk - so by my calculations I should be a skinny Italian supermodel by this time next week!